You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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