There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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