Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
