Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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