I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
