I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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