I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
this is an emotional support booty call
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
