ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
