i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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