I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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