I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
