mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
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I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
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I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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