I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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