My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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