I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
