Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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