Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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