I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
