May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
