hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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