They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
