Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
