1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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