she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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