i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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