He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
