Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
