I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
