I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
