Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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