i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
