I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
