If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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