i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
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