Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
