your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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