There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
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What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
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Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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