Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
