yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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