i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
