I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
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I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
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4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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