omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
