I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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