my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups