woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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