Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
