I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
