8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
