Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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