I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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