My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
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Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
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He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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