btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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