Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
