I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
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