So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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