so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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