I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
