I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
