He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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