I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
