Taylor Swift is so right about you.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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