i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
cat food counts as protein by the way
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
