Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
